is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
