Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Randomize
