the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
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