I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
