Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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