No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
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