Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
