plz talk dirty to me
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
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