Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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