Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
