I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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