Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
