I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
