Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He passed out mid-signature
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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