I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
