Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
