if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
