I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
