Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
