i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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