i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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