I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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