i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
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