I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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