when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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