I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize