so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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