I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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