I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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