I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
