ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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