Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
