My sheets look like a crime scene.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
