i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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