I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Randomize
