You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
