I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
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Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
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Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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