How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
She just used a chaser for red wine.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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