so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
