i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
