im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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