I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
