You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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