The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
