I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
