I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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