You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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