I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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