I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
