Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
