When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
