I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
im six kinds of drunk right now
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Randomize
