the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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