I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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