so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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