Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
